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Fic: Russian Army Rollin' in My Head (PG-13)
Title: Russian Army Rollin' in My Head
Pairing: Jensen/Jared, light
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: I had a cookie for breakfast.
Wordcount: 1,440 words
Warnings: Kind of cracky. Please do not read if carrots offend you.
Notes: For everyone who had a shitty time of it yesterday - Jensen knows your pain, dudes. This one's for you.
Pairing: Jensen/Jared, light
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: I had a cookie for breakfast.
Wordcount: 1,440 words
Warnings: Kind of cracky. Please do not read if carrots offend you.
Notes: For everyone who had a shitty time of it yesterday - Jensen knows your pain, dudes. This one's for you.
5:13 AM
“I swear to God, Ackles, if you don’t get your ass out of bed right now, I’m sending Jared over without his coffee.”
Groaning, Jensen rolls over again, stuffing his head under his pillow. The answering machine beeps as Eric hangs up with a huff, but Jensen doesn’t give a crap. His head hurts. He’s staying in bed today, damnit, if he has to hold onto the headboard by his teeth.
-
5:28 AM
Jensen’s just drifting off to sleep again when the door to his bedroom slams open. He’s pretty sure the crack he hears is the door knob embedding itself in his wall; he’s so killing Jared later. When his head doesn’t hurt so much.
“Goddamnit, go away,” he mumbles. Jared must not hear him, because the next thing he knows, there’s over two hundred fifty pounds of green giant thumping onto his back and holding him down.
The pillow is forcibly taken away from him, and the light he doesn’t remember hearing Jared switch on next to his bed is way, way too bright. He squints his eyes closed as tightly as he possibly can and waits for Jared to have mercy on his poor, throbbing head. Jared’s a push over like that.
“Get up, you pussy,” Jared says cruelly.
Okay, well. Jensen’s been wrong before.
-
5:50 AM
“Can’t we at least stop for something at Dunkin Donuts?” Jensen asks plaintively, putting his hand on the glass of the window as they pass the vision of orange and pink. “A coolata? A croissant? My head hurts?”
Jared is unmoved. “No, you’re already making us late. Did you really have to take such a long shower?”
“I was in the bathroom for seven minutes exactly!” Jensen protests. “And it’s not like you have room to talk. You make us late for interviews all the time, jackass.”
“There’s a lot of me to wash,” Jared says, like he’s said it a million times before. He probably has. “Pipsqueak.”
-
7:43 AM
“Get the fucking snow ready,” Eric yells, sending some poor props lackey running for the relative safety of the trailers. Kim looks a little intimidated as he sets up the next shot.
Jensen thinks maybe Eric’s in a foul mood. Sort of.
-
9:00 AM
“– And Chad was like, ‘But I can’t get it out, man!’” Jared says around his muffin, holding a hand in front of his mouth like that will make his chewing less annoying. “It was great. He is such a douche.”
Jensen bends over and touches his toes, just because he needs to make sure he still can. That bacon was lethal. “Did he ever get it out? God, this is a weird conversation.”
Jared lets out a peel of high, giddy laughter and then nearly chokes on some muffin crumbs. He punches himself in the chest a few times, clears his throat. “Yeah, I guess. I don’t know, he hung up after I called him carrot boy and told him to go to the ER,” he manages, still patting his throat.
A set hand knocks on the door frame. “On mark in five, guys.”
-
12:03 PM
Sam trips Dean up for the fourth time, sticking one of his giant feet out in front of him, Kim calls cut and gives Jared a verbal dressing down about how pranks are all well and good on set, but Dean’s just shed a goddamn tear and this is not the time.
Jared looks properly cowed, and Kim mutters to himself as he stalks back behind the cameras. He calls action, and it’s barely a minute before Jensen’s tumbling down all over again.
-
2:15 PM
“Pass the ketchup,” Jensen says, “this hot dog tastes like ass.”
Jared pauses in handing the red bottle over, arching an eyebrow and smirking in a way that Jensen really doesn’t like. “And you’re complaining, why? Butt-muncher.”
Calmly, Jensen puts down his plate and launches himself across the couch.
-
2:38 PM
Beth from wardrobe doesn’t even ask how they managed to rip a hole the size of a volleyball in the side of Jensen’s shirt. She does admire their technique, though, while she picks out the spare and hands it over.
Jensen gives Dean’s jacket to Jared to hold while he strips his shirts off to get to the shredded one. He’s not even really surprised when Jared takes off with it, cackling like a leprechaun.
“Wear the ripped shirt,” Beth says, sighing and yanking the spare back. “I have no idea how we even make a show.”
-
6:45 PM
They manage all the day scenes they need before the sun sets, and Eric’s appeased enough that his bad mood lets up. He magnanimously allows them to eat dinner from the catering stand.
It’s a pretty big honor, considering. The both of them eat together in Jared’s trailer, making faces at each other with fish in their teeth. Jensen catches a five minute nap on Jared’s shoulder when he’s finished eating, and the sound of Jared chewing above him doesn’t even piss him off.
-
8:15 PM
“Cut!” Kim calls. “Can we get that shot again? Jensen, that was good, but try coming in from the other door this time. The blocking is off. Jared, stay where you are.”
Jensen sighs tiredly and goes to stand behind the door frame on the other side of the room. Jared puts a finger in the middle of his nose and pushes up so he looks like Michael Jackson.
Looking through the camera, Kim says, “Jared. Please never do that again.”
-
9:30 PM
Jensen’s headache is catching up with him again. His temples are throbbing in time with his eyes, his contacts itch, the back of his skull feels like Athena’s tearing through. This sucks.
“Talk less loud,” he says to Jared, who stops mid-word and tilts his head.
“You okay, Jen? You look kind of pale.” He reaches out to steady Jensen when he sways on his feet. “Hey, you need a break?”
Jensen shrugs him off and plants his feet more firmly. He could use a few thousand Advil, sure, but they still haven’t gotten this goddamn scene right. No way is he staying until three to finish this episode. “I’m fine, Jared. Let’s just…do this. Okay?”
They nail the scene the next time through, straight off the mark.
-
9:45 PM
Eric tells them to take an early night, they’ll pick up the time tomorrow. Everyone’s beat and the fake snow is melting in some kind of ridiculous Canadian heat wave.
Jensen knows he’s had a long day when he seriously starts to contemplate how the moose feel about this sudden change. He images a moose with a little microphone, talking about how this affects Mooseville’s winter pageant.
He lets Jared pack him up into the passenger seat of the town car – and even allows Jared to belt him in, because he’s nice like that.
“I’m nice,” Jensen tells the driver.
“That’s great,” the driver says back, turning up the stereo until Jensen’s ears feel like they’re bleeding.
-
10:07 PM
“Yeah, thanks, just drop us both here,” Jared says, undoing his seat belt and leaning forward between the front seats. His breath smells really bad – like bad fish or something equally gross.
The car pulls over at the curb in front of Jensen’s apartment building and Jensen has never been so grateful for an elevator in his life.
After Jensen’s downed three Advil and a full bottle of water, he and Jared settle down together on the couch and flip on the TV. The tension in Jensen’s shoulders relaxes by increments until he’s plastered to Jared’s side and too bleary to get up and go to bed. He figures Jared is huge enough to carry him as he lets himself drift off.
-
11:58 PM
“Jensen. Jen, wake up. Goddamn, you’re a heavy bastard.”
Slowly, Jensen blinks his eyes open. His stomach has a shoulder in it, he realizes, and that must mean Jared is taking him to bed. It kind of hurts, but the view’s not bad, so Jensen doesn’t complain. Much.
“You’re such a caveman,” he tells Jared. “Are you going to ravage me to assert your dominance? Pull me around by my hair?”
Jared smacks his ass hard enough Jensen feels the sting through his jeans. “I’m gonna do something, all right. You’ll be sorry, you lump - you'll be sorry,” Jared growls and practically throws him down on the bed.
Jensen laughs, bouncing his way towards the pillows and struggling out of his pants. “I look forward to it, big boy.”
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