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FIC: How Do You Solve a Problem (PG-13)
Title: How Do You Solve a Problem
Pairing: McKay/Sheppard
Rating: PG-13 (or very light R)
Wordcount: ~800 words
Notes: Small cracklet written at![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
amberlynne's behest. She is a giant BAMBOOZLER, don't get too close. Mood music: The Lonely Goatherd.
Pairing: McKay/Sheppard
Rating: PG-13 (or very light R)
Wordcount: ~800 words
Notes: Small cracklet written at
amberlynne's behest. She is a giant BAMBOOZLER, don't get too close. Mood music: The Lonely Goatherd.“No,” Rodney says firmly. “A world of no. A universe of no. Did I mention the no part?”
“Rodney,” John says, “you can’t say no. It’s either this or I throw you to the axe-wielding psycho nuns. What’s it gonna be?”
The habit is quickly snatched out of his hand. “Does this make my devotion look big?” Rodney inquires, straining to look over his own shoulder at his ass.
“Let’s go, Whoopi.”
-
Alleria, according to the database, had once been a prospering agricultural society; Teyla’s people had never traded with them, as far as Teyla knew, but it was definitely worth checking out if the description was even half right. What they’d found on the other side of the wormhole was not in fact an agricultural society, but a thriving nunnery.
“This is…most unusual,” Teyla had murmured.
The nuns were a friendly sort as far as they could tell. No sooner had Rodney mentioned their long, arduous journey (“Yeah, five full steps, McKay.” “Shut up, it was tiring.”), than the four of them were whisked off to a squat little building on the edges of the complex and fed small pastries that tasted like apples and cinnamon by a cheerful sister. Once Rodney had finished his – and John’s and Teyla’s – pastry, they were led on a grand tour of the main chapel, the strangely Austrian hills stretching out behind it.
Rodney kept a civil tongue in his mouth the entire time, only interrupting occasionally to mutter something about Mary Poppins or the strikingly violent decoration; in the end, it was John who accidentally brought the swift vengeance of the Lord down upon them.
“We’d be willing to trade medicines and other supplies for a share of your crop,” John said.
“Medicines?” Sister Clarence asked, tugging anxiously on the end of her sleeve. “I am not familiar with...medicines.”
“Yeah, you know.” John waved a hand, smiling benignly. “Something to heal your injuries, cure your sicknesses and diseases. That sort of thing.”
“Witchcraft!” Sister Clarence gasped.
“Oh, Christ,” John said.
-
“This fabric really itches,” Rodney complains. John twitches his head to the side, moving away from Rodney’s mouth. “I have very sensitive skin, you know. I chafe easily.”
“Have I told you lately how very much I do not care?” John asks tightly.
Rodney shifts, letting out a mighty, tormented sigh. “Once I wore these leather pants to impress a girl and, wow, was that a bad idea. I mean, they were tight and I’d seen that Friends episode, so I don’t know what I was thinking. Probably wasn’t. She had great –”
“Let’s talk about something else,” John suggests.
“Someone’s grumpy.”
“Someone,” John growls, “is wearing a habit that’s a few sizes too awkward, and is stuck inside a cave with this really, really chatty guy who doesn’t seem to realize how close he is to getting an axe to the groin.”
Rodney is quiet for a moment. Predictably, it doesn’t last.
“Well, it’s not my fault you’re in a habit. That was all your idea, and I have to say, I’m kind of disturbed by how quickly you came up with that plan. Has this been a fantasy of yours for very long, Colonel? It’s okay, you can talk to me. I had this really weird dream about Samantha Carter and a flower vase –”
“Okay, you know what, you should shut up now,” John says, and turns around, slamming Rodney up against the cave wall and ignoring his pained oomph in favor of smashing their mouths together. Rodney gets with the program gratifyingly fast, hooking an arm around the back of John’s neck to pull him impossibly closer; despite the religious garments trying desperately to get between them, they manage a few hard grinds before Rodney’s pushing on John’s shoulders and shoving him to his knees.
When it’s over, John has come all over him – more of it than he ever thought could possibly fit in one man – and the worst of it is definitely on his face.
“I,” he says, and then loses his train of thought because oh dear god he’s still wearing his habit.
“That was so hot,” Rodney pants.
-
Teyla and Ronon find them with the ‘jumper three hours later and graciously refrain from commenting on the state of John’s clothes, though Teyla’s eyes seem to suggest she’s expecting compensation for her troubles.
John sighs and scrubs at a flaky patch of Rodney behind his ear.
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AHAHAHA OMG. I love you and Amber and this fic and EVERYTHING.
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OMG! This is hysterical and hot and vaguely frightening. YOU WIN! *bows to your brilliance*
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*dies*
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\o/
“That was so hot,” Rodney pants. I kind of agree with Rodney, and that scares me.
Re: \o/
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that's gonna keep me smiling allll day.
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Rodney shifts, letting out a mighty, tormented sigh. “Once I wore these leather pants to impress a girl and, wow, was that a bad idea. I mean, they were tight and I’d seen that Friends episode, so I don’t know what I was thinking. Probably wasn’t. She had great –”
“Let’s talk about something else,” John suggests.
Hee!
That laughed, and I'm not really a stickler for rules but know many who read in public-ish places--I'd suggest a mild R-rating; this does go beyond mere implications. (But I tend to R on the side of caution.)
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Oh god yes.
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oh, rodney, what were you aiming for.
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The coda? Teyla? EEEEE!!!
So great. Thanks for sharing :)
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This is such a hoot, but I agree with monanotlisa: it's a soft R. Maybe for "ridiculous" but still....
Thanks for being so weird, & sharing!
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*gold*
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